I was just minding my own business &placidly wondering to myself which of the following option was the mot practical option of saving legal fees on emancipation from my family:

1) Refusing to abort my kid and being a single mother - higher chance if the kid comes out black.
(quite cool, just like Erin Brokovich type, I think I'd make a great mum, but having a husband AND a kid is out of the question, cause as Yuani very bluntly pointed out, "marry you?! Crazy ah?!!?", so yeah I can only have the kid for now. Maybe next time when I'm more marry-able can upgrade to husband)
But then I thought about it, the kid might have to starve cause I'm really broke and at least 95% of the people who bring me out now will blatantly refuse to being me plus a kid out. So it might die.

Yes, some of you might not be aware, but death from starvation is still an extremely real threat in certain developing countries.

2) I can't remember what Option #2 was, I'm too angry.

But either way BOTH options seemed bleak, neither circumstance would be swayed in my favour, so I decided to take the usual route, namely, harping on something for HOURS on an end til the mother finally explodes and starts hurting me physically (this time maybe she'll emancipate me too, right?)

So I looked desperately around for something I could harass her about.
NOTHING. Except for the glaring lack of food.
(A hungry person is an angry person. Why do you think Jesus made bread and helped people catch fish? Goodwill?! You must be mad)

In summary we started fighting about the maid.
In a very bad turn of events, she flipped the entire conversation around and in a move not unlike one of my favourites, (now you know where I get all ym manupulative genes from) gave me a couple of options to choose from (please bear in mind that these aren't actual options at all - it's like letting you choose how to die. DOES IT FUCKING MATTER HOW YOU DIE?! YOU STILL HAVE TO DIE!!!)

So now, either I :
1) buy her a new maid and guarantee upon my life that she won't steal, abuse SaSa, or get pregnant, else I'll have to not work and stay at home all day and do housework and wash clothes.
2) pay for the utilities for as long as she lives (not long at the rate she's pissing me off)
or 3) fuck off to L.A and don't Skype her.

you see ah, the only real option is option 3.

Lemme tell you why.
1) Indonesian maids like to steal.
Philippino maids like to have sex.
(but their bangla boyfriends have no money to buy condoms and pouring liquid latex on your penis is probably the only way one can possibly experience an otherworldly kind of pain without leaving this one)
I like to abuse my maids and so they take it out on my sister - the comparatively submissive one.
2) It doesn't make sense for me to waste my money paying for the fucking utilities here in Singapore when I could be paying for utilities in L.A, right!?!

see? I told you she's damn crafty.
I can't tell social services that she kicked me out because technically, she DID give me a choice.
WHAT A BITCH.

I has no choice but to choose 2 which leads to 3 since 1 is definitely not going to happen - I'd rather donate my hands to charity than ever using them for washing cutlery.

So I have until the end of the month to get out.
I've decided to quit my job after I get back from HK on saturday night.
Decent living is getting me nowhere.
I've decided to gamble for a living.
Nothing else legal could possibly earn you as much in 29 days and counting (down).

Btw I think I have throat cancer.
Either that or I shouted too much just now.

hahahah that was random.

Anyway my mum really chose a fuckign bad time to piss me off cause I was right in the midst of chopping carrots.
Life Lesson #1: Never pick a fight with someone who's holding a knife.
Life Lesson #2: Biggest knife talks the loudest.
(I think I've been hanging out with Ah Bengs too much)
But anyway, thing is, I turned on her with the knife.

Come on lah, my temper is already so bad, you still want to come and get on my case when I'm busy decapitating vegetables.

I said, "I suggest you put a new lock on your bedroom door before you piss me off unless you wanna go to sleep and never wake up again"

hahah I know it sounds damn funny when you're reading it from behind the safety of your computer screens, but imagine being 3 metres away from a knife wielding maniac whom you've sent for anger management counselling before.

IT IS FUCKING SCARY.

Aiya actually ah, I know I sound damn chipper and like i find the whole situation hilarious,
But if you really, must know, I'm very upset &extremely affected.

But i'm obviously not gonna go on about it here,
firstly because I've never been the kind to talk about emotions,
&secondly because the content will be so out of theme with the cheery elephant template.

You can text me and ask me about it,
But don't call me and offer comfort unless you are Yuani.

For anybody else, please go ahead and talk to me about it ..
.. only if you can offer me a solution.

Not some flaky ass condolence like,
"work hard lor, you'll get there"
cause i swear I will fuck you up like never before.
In that case you obviously don't understand my situation at all.
Fucking READ, bastards.

If you have a business solution, call me.
If you have a gambling formula, call me.
If you know how to get rich quick, call me.
If you have an Emirates BodyPass, call me.
If you have a place you can rent me in NYC, call me.
If you can take care of me, call me.
If you know of any reputable maid agencies, call me.
If you just tio peh pio and are in a generous mood,
PLEASE CALL ME!!!!!

 

I keep reading all these food receipe sites and wondering how much fucking money they're rolling in for mediocre tasting food - made with overpriced ingredients and most of them requiring you to spend a fortune on a complete sets of baking equipment and a state-of-the art oven with timer and temperature regulator, when in actual fact all we really have to fall back on is a toaster so unreliable that our mothers serve us either bread or carbon for breakfast, nothing in between, &definitely none of that fancy crap like this.

Hello Kitty Toast


My Toast.


*some people have commented that they are incredibly tired of blogs where girls post pictures of waht they had for yesterday night's dinner, but seriously, I promise this is a one off.

So yes. Incredibly short of money, I have decided to capitalise on this blog's popularity and turn it into a food blog.

My blog is super special because it's specially catered (no pun intended) to extremely impoverished starving radicals like me with highly developed taste buds and who's only religion is skinny.

If you cannot appreciate good food, do not proceed further.
If choked arteries scare you, navigate away from this page immediately.
If you think being fat is okay, then this website is not for you.

If you want to look like me, WELCOME :D

Welcome to my website:

COST EFFECTIVE CARBO-LESS COOKING.
The home of S.P.A.M Risotto &Bacon Porridge

Not too bad a name right?
I had a million ideas initially but eventually I whittled it down to either this or
The Destitute's Cookbook.

Which is just plain depressing and makes you sound like you eat tree bark cooked in different methods everyday, so the more explanatory title - cost effective carbo-less cooking - stuck.

But it doesn't matter what I bloody call it,
either way the golden rule is to only add one or two tablespoons of carbs.

Our staples consist largely of:
Canned soup
chilli powder/chilli padi
lots of vegetables
black pepper
coconut milk
butter
hua dao jiu
nutella
chicken stock
beep stockz
a compliant maid
(you need a maid - it's alot easier to get stuff done when you can boss people around)
pei pa kao
(cause sometimes you will have a sore throat after eating my food)
cigarettes
(cause some of it is very gao tasting)
((anyway don't complain, because smoking keeps you skinny and beautiful))
(((YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE ME RIGHT>!?!?!?!)))

Strictly banned items include:
bittergourd bleah
rabbit meat bleah
celery bleah
cilantro BLEAH
cinnalok BLEAHHH
other fucking gross fuck food that we discover on our gastronomical adventure BLEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


hahaah can I just say first that i have ALLLLLLLLL the staples?!
teehee! why do you even think they are up there?! :D

Nevermind they are all reallllly cheap,
none of that fancy stuff, so don't worry, you can get ALLL of it under 10 bucks if you exclude the cigarettes, nutella, and the maid, obviously.

I only just realised how cheap vegetables are.
I bought like a truckload of onions opposite my house that day and it only cost me THIRTY CENTS!!!!! :D :D :D
After about 15 minutes of eagle-eyed picking and choosing by my sister and I,
my conversation with the Uncle went something like that,
me "uncle, how much?"
uncle "30 cents"
me *mentally calculating* "okay, here"
uncle "why you give me $2.10?"
me "seven onions mah!" *shakes bag in his face*
him "30 cents TOTAL"
me and sasa "HUH?!??!!>? OMG 30 CENTS ONLY?!?!?!?! WAHHHHHHHHHHH! :D :D :D"
*face each other, delighted*
sasa "we're RICH!!!!! :D"

me *suspicious* "are you sure it's only 30 cents? Are you trying to cheat me, uncle?"
him *laughing* "really!!!"
me "is it you give me good price because i'm pretty?"
him *laughing* "yes!"
me *grabs sasa, whispers*
"see? I told you, must be pretty!!!!"

I somehow think the Uncle is lying, cause if not I think he'll get fired for offering buy-one-get-six-free onion deals to every pretty girl that walks by. I dunno why his shop doesn't sell cigarettes, cause if he does I'll just pick up seven king-size cartons at one shot &you all can stop wondering why I only ever give you cigarettes for every occasion you celebrate.

But in any case, please remember to wear makeup the next time you go grocery shopping.
Then go to the shop with the most hamsup looking uncle :D

But moving swiftly,
my point is that,
VEGETABLES ARE REALLY CHEAP!! :D

But that is hardly the point.
The good part about The Destitute Cookbook is that you can add expensive food in ANYTIME!!! :D

you know what?
I really cannot be bothered to tell you more so here is today's recipe.

CHAPALANG SOUP

here is how you make chapalang soup.
also known as Chicken Macaroni Soup.

Take all your prepared ingredients
(this is the part where the maid is essential)
you must make her do all the sai gang like boil water and dice chicken and chop vegetables while you kiao ka and occasionally yell "NO!! THAT'S TOO BIG!! I TOLD YOU ALREADY!! I asked God for a rock and he gave me a diamond. I asked for an idiot and he gave me you"

Okay lets not digress anymore, here is the reciepe:

Step 1: make your maid boil sum chikinz in water.
boil boil boil boil boil.
(notice I don't put the amount - this is because you might also have a dog you want to boil chicken for. so if your dog eats alot of chicken, feel free to boil more. and if you want more chikinz in yur soup, boil more. It's really up to you. if you're intending to poison your whole family, boil more also)

Step 2: take the chikin outta de water.

Step 3: Keep the water.

Step 4: Make your maid remove the skin and chop chicken into bite-sized-ish cubes. Or you can also chop big chunks if you think your mouth is very big.

Step 5: Make your maid chop carrots. This one you really gotta chop smaller cause too big and it won't cook, so you'll end up with crunchy carrutz in yer soup. Unless you like crunchy carrots, cut small cubes. *this step is labourous, so if you're not all that keen about carrots or you like them but you're just too lazy, you can leave it out. Opportunity cost, baby!

Step 6: Make her chop long mushrooms. I like them, so you should like them too. So make sure she prepares alot!! :D


Step 7: Make her chop an onion. Once again, volume depends on how much you enjoy it. I'm very easy-going that way.

Step 8: Make her smash some garlic
(chopping is extremely tiresome)
((just smash them, they taste the same))

I don't think this is the way they write great cookbooks ):
so let me just make it easier for you.

Summary of steps 1-7 so far :
Basically, what you should have prepared to this point is,
Boiled Chicken Cubes
Chicken water
Chopped Carrot Cubes
Chopped Mushrooms
Chopped whatever your favourite vegetable is.
you can put celery cubes if you REALLY want. Bleah.
Chopped Onion
Bashed Garlic.

Okay let's continue ..
*bossily*

Step 8: Take butter. Melt it in whatever you want to cook your soup in.
I suggest you do not use a frying pan.

Step 9: Wait to a point where butter is going to be burnt. Quickly throw your onions and garlic in. FASTER!! Add a shitload of black pepper (because I like it)

Step 10: Stir like crazy!! When your ingredients look like they are going to catch fire, faster add in the chicken water if not they will become chaota. I'm serious.

Now, you should have chicken water with onions and garlic and butter and black pepper inside.
Quite easy to follow right? Okay, here comes the hard part.

But also quite senang, cause you can take your own sweet time to do it.
It takes a royal idiot to fuck soup up.
The worst is over.

Step 11: Add chicken cubez and carrotz.

Step 12: Carefully measure out 2 tablespoons of macaroni and put that in as well.
It might look very little, but macaroni grows like crazy, so be warned.

Step 13: Try some soup!! It sucks and is tasteless, so add some chicken stock.


Step 14: Add some Hua Diao Jiu. If you're a fanatic like me or think you can get high on it, add ALOT :D


Step 15: Your soup should be starting to taste awesome sometime about now. Add more black pepper if you want.

Step 16: You can put more butter. Butter rocks!! :D

Step 17: take sum macaroni out and chew it. If it is almost cooked, FASTER ADD THE MUSHROOMS. FASTER!!!! D: D: D: Time is of the chicken essence!

Step 18: Once the mushrooms have started to nua, add evaporated milk!! But not too much cause if not the soup will become very gao ):

Step 19: Add more Hua Diao Jiu!!

Step 20: Chew more macaroni. If it's cooked ... turn off the fire causeeeee,

WE'RE DONE!!! :D :D :D

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE COOKED CHICKEN SOUP IN 20 STEPS!!! :D :D :D

Now, savour the soup of your labour in it's awesome flavour explosion of mind numbing proportions :D

I hope you didn't hurt yourself in the process.
Do it and tell me how much you enjoyed it :D

But don't blame me if you dont eat anything else for the rest of your life.
yeah, it's THAT good.

Wah fuck, okok I summarise what you need ok.
Chicken
Water
Carrots
Onion
Garlic
Long Mushrooms
Hua Diao Jiu
Evaporated Milk
Butter
Black pepper
Macaroni
Chicken Stock

Here, you fucking bums, now go cook and make me proud!!

I'm so resisting the urge to pipe,
"99 points!! Almost as Good as MaMa!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.
k fuck this shit, those of you who play Cooking MaMa will understand what i'm babbling about.

xx

[EDIT]

I have been alerted that this is an extremely heart attack inducing cookbook - no, not the food, more like the instructions. like with all the !!!! and the FASTER!!! and NOWWWWW!!! s. But the fact is that I am chinese and all chinese people cook fast. There is a reason why hawker center you just wait outside the stall for your charkuaytiao whereas at angmoh places you have to endure your burning gastric for as long as 45 gruelling minutes while they painstakingly baste your chicken.